Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Thoughts (mostly Questions) on Motherhood

This morning after leaving Oliver in his classroom at Rosewood, I saw a new mother sitting at the entrance to the daycare with her infant daughter. She was reading through the enrollment materials. Her face was drawn, slightly tired, definitely apprehensive and a little sad. I think I looked exactly the same way the first time I visited Rosewood. The thought of leaving Oliver in someone else's care for most of the day seemed unbearable.

However, my mood that morning was happy- I was bouncing out of the center looking forward to finishing up some things at work. The contrast really struck me.

Then I wondered, how did my feelings change so drastically? Was it seeing Oliver thrive while at daycare? Was it the amount of freedom daycare afforded me? If I say yes to the first question I feel like a good mom. If I say yes to the second, then I feel guilty. Is it okay to enjoy a few hours each day away from our children - even knowing those hours are necessary?

What happened between that first day, dropping him off at daycare and crying on the way to my office, and this morning, looking forward to my day knowing that I would see him at lunch to nurse and then again after work?

Will this process of separation repeat itself for the rest of his life?

1 comment:

Jennifah said...

I don't think this makes you a bad mother at all. I've recently spent a few twelve-hour days taking care of Rosanna's sweet baby girl. It was hard! It opened my eyes to what it will be like to spend three months at home with my own baby. I actually was thinking that it might be nice to go back to work! That's a big step for me to be even thinking that.

That being said, I am still completely stressed out about our childcare options. I have no idea where or who will be caring for her come January. So, maybe that is why that woman looked so sad. I'm sure I look like her at every daycare we visit. Once you find a place though, and your baby seems happy there, then it gets easier...maybe? hopefully?

Anyway...Don't feel guilty! Oliver looks so happy in all of his pictures. I bet he has fun at school!